One For You, All For Me
If you know me, you might have noticed that you don’t.
That I can’t quite be grasped. That I’m not fully in. That I’m not really here to stay.
Alright – even though I’d prefer not to discredit these pristine grounds by inapt profane wording…let’s attempt to explain the unimaginable:
Being me comes with the all-consuming drive of having/wanting/needing to seek for more; a constant urge to move on, each time just seconds away from settling for the next beautiful sensation; forever leaving behind all freshly discovered greatness, while meandering through option after interesting possibility after temptingly different alternative in a continually opening up yet likewise exponentially expanding maze of universal restlessness. Usually rather solitary in this quest; mostly not exactly unhappy about that due to a general (remarkable) lack of worthy company; at times, however, pretty painfully missing said human average. There isn’t much reality for me to selectively choose and single out in a sustainably content state…the reigning currency of my entire economy is variable change (and hereby, ardently appealing to wild hope – evolution?).
And then there’s the synergy: Cultivating a well-balanced bouquet of occupations tends to bring out amazingly beneficial dynamics, ideally self-recharging through my inner circle, if perfectly ratio-ed creatively/productively. (Largely hypothetically speaking, I might add. 😉 )
Oh, to outline and maintain one’s delicate path travelling the world’s extreme edges…oh, the infinite potential of every little step!
I can’t help it, I want it all…because I can. For some reason, I apparently possess what seems like a wicked bundle of keys to a darn lot of doors and windows. (The arrogance, I know – try to absorb it as matter-of-factly as possibly accountable…the way I intend it to feel. I think. 😀 )
I lead a triple life on an almost literally 300% operating level, and I’ve hardly even finished warming up yet. No need to go into the bottomless details about my never-ending work/studies/hobbies and countless everlasting projects in line; let’s just say there is positively NOTHING within this frame of time and space that does not intrigue me and I’m not contemplating to take on. The force is irresistible, enchanting, mind-blowing; and feeding on my powers.
– Yes, of course: Such perceived privileges surely provide their extra evil spells for free.
During the peaks of what they call my career – when I decide to reallocate my energy flow in favor of a priority focus and shut down all symbiotic exchange…I practically make myself turn into a steel-armored robot in order to function. Meet my societally instrumentalized shell, my personal slave of measurable performance standards, sincerely yours:
- I can’t listen to good music anymore.
- I can’t walk along the forest and watch the sunset anymore.
- I can barely stand talking to my loved ones anymore.
- And I absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, keep eye contact with anyone who means the slightest bit to me; the surging current of raw, unphrased exposure would throw me off right away.
Since during these extraordinarily lopsided fragments of existence…a mere soft call of ancient authenticity carries the purity to be heard, penetrate my missile case and detach all artificially unidimensional strings – leaving me vectorless, null and void.
(Which is precisely the cruel self-exploiting scenario I’m putting myself through every time I target whichever overly ambitious side trip I encounter on just another everyday detour occurrence.)
Sometimes I curse the fate that thought it wise to mix such a potent fusion within one single creature…which as a result is simultaneously drawn into every direction imaginable, shooting yet paralyzed; notoriously torn between opposites, whereas home nowhere. Always a passing stranger trying to connect each channel to an integrated systemic holism. The longing for wholeness is so strong, there is no stopping me.
Sometimes I wish I were just, you know – somewhat simple. (Like the blissfully innocent 98% of you peeps. 😛 )
(Forgetaboutit, no way. I am truly, deeply, profoundly grateful for being me, even if I can barely take it. For the experience happens to be so incredibly INTENSE!)
Hear hear, my newest approach at in-house management…ha! – Consider my desire instantly triggered by its sheer fascinating improbability. 🙂
Remember Mark Oliver Everett from the Eels? His dad was a brilliant physicist. This is pretty much what I’m talking about. I could easily see myself (or rather my selves) in Everett’s Parallel Universes:
Notwithstanding the admittedly disarming indications I have accumulated along here, I honestly am not THAT much of a narcissist only to think and talk about myself 24/7. On the contrary – it’s the totality of our related limited circumstances that’s giving me such headaches. I mean…if YOU’ve got something of engaging value to contribute, by God please, do feel compelled to articulate in immediate formulation at once! :O